When "If only's" stands in the way of love

With Valentine's Day approaching many couples yearn for the feelings of love and intoxicating passion they once felt. For singles the desire to find that wonderful partner takes on new urgency as the "V" day draws closer. Can we recapture love? If we put our minds and determination to the task it is possible. Often our "if only list" is the stumbling block that keeps love away. Once you let go of destructive grudges love and sexuality can be rekindled.

I get lots of "If only" letters!
"If only he were neater, if only she were more adventurous in bed, if only he would open up, if only she would hear me out. If only he had been more aware of my needs… we would still be together." Let go of your negative fixations to free up love energy. Once you do and experience the surge of good feelings toward each other all you will say is "if only I had done this sooner!"

Go ahead. Be the initiator.
Suggest to your partner to have a curative "if only" session so you can feel more loving. Each discusses their top three "if only's". Both follow the ground rules. No rancor, no accusations, communicate with caring and the intent to really understand what your partner is saying. You want to become closer, happier to be together. Many partners tell me that using this exercise they've experienced an instant surge of love feelings. A couple with a history of deadly silence between them admitted they had the most exquisite sex after burying their "if only issues".

Not all "if only's" are easy to solve.
Some will take time and patience. In some cases a professional counselor is required to get the process going. Once you start the process keep reinforcing each other. Acknowledge and appreciate even subtle changes with compliments. More hugging and physical contact is a wonderful way to say thank you. Show your partner you're willing to change. Break calcified couple patterns. Little midweek breaks together work well: movies, concerts, dinner with friends. Change love routines. Switch time or location when making love. Touch or kiss your partner in a place you've never paid attention to before. Find a new position or place in your home to enjoy your sexual escapade. Add passionate music. Throw the cushions of your couch on the floor to make a new love pad. Actions speak louder than words. Words are powerful. They can convey the message you want to give each other. Make sure you understand the message and agree what you both want to achieve. Then enact the words.

If you have ended your last relationship and feel ambivalent about the break-up, review your "if only" list. Were you too critical, too rigid or too demanding? If there was real love it can be recaptured as long as your effort comes from your heart and you're both willing to make realistic changes. Real love doesn't evaporate. But it can't bloom in a negative climate. Happy Valentine!
Jacqui

Jacqueline Brandwynne offers advice and products for a better, happier, more intimate relationship.
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